Repressed Memory
by brittany89
Summary: After one of Samantha's buried memories suddenly becomes real again, Martin gladly vows to help her through it every step of the way.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter one**

Samantha stared outside the window. She watched as the crystallized water fell from the sky, illuminating the sky in pink. New York City was covered in a blanket of thick, white snow. Although New York was busy, the calming quiet that Samantha envisioned gave her something to contemplate on.

"Samantha?"

Samantha heard her name. She was reluctant to acknowledge the familiar voice. She didn't want to leave her reverie. It was peaceful there. It was a place she would go to often to feel happiness. It was the kind of happiness that everybody should experience in a conscious state. And yet, the only way Samantha felt that way was to snap into another reality that resembled her façade. It made her feel something that she hadn't quite experienced in a while. What? She didn't know.

"Sam?" Martin's voice carried concern. His eyebrow was furrowed.

Samantha turned to face Martin. It was hard to breathe in the real world; she wanted to go back to her trance. She remembered things in the real world. Things that was better off kept secret. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? The only thing she wanted was to be invisible. She wanted to forget. All Martin was doing was staring at her. He was postponing Dreamland. She wasn't trying to act happy or content; it could win her an Oscar if she had to. Instead, she settled with blankly staring at him.

Martin's heart fluttered. What was wrong with Samantha? Around the time he broke up with her, she seemed distracted to the point of exhaustion and bewilderment. She wasn't herself. Although Martin wanted nothing more than to hold her, he couldn't. She wasn't his to hold. All he could do was sit back and watch as Samantha shut herself off to the outside world; it was all she would allow him to do.

Martin had to admit that he felt something for her. He wasn't sure if it was love. But whatever it was drew him near her. Although he broke up with her, it didn't mean that he was completely apathetic to her feelings.

"Did you hear me?"

Samantha lowered her eyes in annoyance. She didn't know what he said. Was he talking about calling her name? Or was he talking about something else? She was annoyed because of the fact that she didn't hear him, and it wasn't just him lately…it was everybody. She couldn't concentrate. She couldn't eat. She couldn't sleep. Finally, Samantha nodded her head. She had always felt this way, but lately it was worse!

Martin sat down on Samantha's desk and stared at her with affection. He lowered his voice. "I asked you if you were alright."

"Oh," was all that Samantha said. She gave him a fake smile. "Yeah, I'm fine." Samantha wanted to tell him about her thoughts, feelings, and superfluous memory, but it wasn't his burden to bare. It was her problem and nobody else's.

Martin just sighed and held out his hand to hand Samantha a piece of paper. "Can you find out anything you can on Jason Lafferty? He was the last person to see Mindy."

_Right. Mindy. The missing person, _Samantha thought. She took the paper from Martin's hand without looking at him. She swiveled her chair so that she was facing her computer. She felt Martin's lingering eyes on her. She couldn't take this. Other people were starting to notice her uncanny behavior.

Martin lingered in Samantha's presence for a moment before turning on his heels. He walked up to Danny who was sitting at the conference table. "Okay, Sam's looking up Lafferty for us."

Danny stared at Martin before turning his attention to Samantha. She was sitting at her desk scanning the screen. She twirled a pen between her fingers. She looked lost. He nodded towards her and said, "Does she seem different to you?"

Martin let out a sigh of relief before throwing himself in a seat beside Danny. "I thought it was just me."

"No, she hasn't been talking to anybody anymore. It's like she's here physically, but her mind is elsewhere."

Martin sighed once more before looking towards Samantha. She had the same blank look on her face as before. He turned back around to face Danny. "I don't know about you, but I'm worried about her."

"Me too," was all Danny could say. He didn't know what to say. Everything worth saying had already been said. Everything worth knowing was already known.

With another look outside, Samantha got out of her chair and went to Danny and Martin. When she reached the guys, she took a seat next to Martin handing the paper back to him. "A few months ago, Jason robbed a convenient store. It turns out that Mindy was working at the same one. I was thinking that maybe he came back to shut her up. She was supposed to testify at the trial."

"Nice," Danny said jumping out of his seat. He walked over to Jack's office.

Samantha gave Martin a small smile before she got up. She cringed when she felt a familiar hand gently grasp her wrist. She stopped immediately to stare at Martin. She didn't want his sympathy; she only wanted to be alone.

"Samantha…what's wrong?"

Samantha wrestled her wrist away from Martin's grip. She shoved her hands in her pockets and stared at him. "Nothing," she whispered.

Martin stood up and ventured next to her. He looked down before meeting her gaze. "Sam, you've been acting different." He paused. "And I'm not the only person who thinks so."

Samantha stepped back as to not be next to Martin. She looked at her feet and wiggled her toes in her shoes. She felt tears sting the back of her eyeballs. "I don't know," she said in a low, quiet voice to the point where Martin had to strain to hear her. She was lying; she knew what was wrong. It was the haunting memory that plagued even her nightmares.

Martin looked as helpless as Samantha felt.

Samantha stared at Martin. It was true that she still had major feelings for Martin, but she knew that getting back with Martin was not enough to send her out of her depression. She didn't know what would help, and as far as she was concerned, she had absolutely no reason to bounce back.

Martin looked at Samantha and saw nothing in her eyes. There was no sadness or anger. There wasn't any fear or anxiety. She was ice just like it had been for some time now. He wasn't sure what to do. He just gave her a worried smile. "Okay," he said gently. "If you don't want to talk, then I won't make you." He continued to stare at Samantha. She still had her hands in her pockets as if they were hiding a part of her. She simply gave a weak smile before slowly turning to the bathrooms.

Samantha had made her way to the restroom. She leaned against the sink and stared at herself in the mirror, disgusted by what she saw. Her color had somewhat drained from her face. Her eyes betrayed her by giving away the fact that she hadn't had much sleep at all. She just stared at herself unblinking. Her mind had wondered to Dreamland where anything was possible.

"Sam?" came an accented voice.

Samantha whipped her head towards the bathroom door to see Elena staring at her. Concern had invaded her beautiful face. She just smiled at her and looked down to wash her hands. She had no idea what to do; however, she did know that she wanted to forget again. Forgetting was better than remembering. She was suffocating, and there was nobody to be her oxygen supply.

Elena walked up beside her friend and placed a hand on her back. "You want to talk about it?"

She loved Elena. She had been a great friend. But right now, she didn't want any attention. She didn't want compassion, so she said the only thing that would get people to stop the constant questioning she got lately. "I'm just a little tired, I guess."

Elena didn't believe her. There was no reason to at least not with the way she'd been acting. But she learned not to press Samantha. If she wanted to talk, then she would open up. "Okay, well if you need anything, then you know where to find me."

Samantha smiled. "Thanks, but I'm good." There was no way that she could tell her; she had a hard time telling herself.

"You sure?" Elena said beginning to run her hand over Samantha's back.

Samantha looked at herself in the mirror before saying, "Yeah, I'm sure."

Elena motioned her head towards the door. "Well, we need you. We think we might know where Mindy is."

Samantha smiled. "Lead the way."

The air was cold and quiet. All six agents had their guns pointed to the ground with SWAT behind them. They slowly stalked towards the entrance. They split up in separate directions.

Samantha held her gun in front of her along with her flashlight. Her eyes scanned carefully for Jason and Mindy. She couldn't hear anything, not even her team members. It was silence. Then the terrifying sound of a gun clicking filled Samantha's ears.

Jason stood in front of her with his gun fixed on Samantha. She saw the gun, but she didn't shoot. She didn't know why. She secretly hoped that Jason would fire the gun. Then she wouldn't feel anything. She would be numb to the poignant pain. She gave out a little chuckle at her thought of suicide. Maybe it wouldn't look like suicide to anybody. That just made her smile increase.

Suddenly, somebody jumped from the shadows and hit Jason over the head. Jason fell to the ground causing his gun to fly from his hands.

Samantha gave Martin a smile as he slapped the cuffs on Jason's wrists. Secretly, Samantha was angry at Martin. Why did he stop Jason? Why doesn't he just leave her alone? Samantha walked away from Martin's worried glances choosing to ignore Martin's look.

XxX

"Sam, I was just calling to let you know that Mom's house has been sold…to a nice couple…actually," Emily stated over the answering machine.

Samantha sighed and walked towards the kitchen reaching for a bottle of wine. Without grabbing a glass, she made her way to the couch. She scanned her bookshelf for nothing in particular. It was just to keep her eyes busy. She didn't want to read. She didn't' want to watch TV. She didn't want to take a bath. She didn't want to eat. She didn't want to sleep. She stared at the bottle before taking a drink of her wine.

Samantha kept staring at the books. She groaned when she realized that she had to go to work tomorrow morning, another long day of exhaustion and annoyance. She felt like she was in a fishbowl at work. She was under the constant scrutiny of everybody's worried stares. All she wanted was to be left alone. She didn't want any attention on her. She didn't want any pity from anybody. She wanted to hide in a sheath that clouded out everybody's worried glances.

Not only was everybody's stare unbearable but she realized that she was a prisoner in her own body. She was lethargic and weak. She had a new ache every day. Her desire to do anything had ceased to exist. She was exhausted, yet she couldn't sleep. She lie awake every night trying to force her brain to stop running the movie that was so painfully detailed.

Samantha took the last drink of the wine before glancing at the clock which read 2:47am. She sighed lowering her eyes on the full bottle of Aspirin that sat on the coffee table. She reached out for them. She didn't know what to do. She wanted to swallow the whole bottle and end her suffering. On the other side, killing herself would be the stupidest thing to do. Samantha chuckled. Why was she thinking about killing herself? It wasn't the first time today. Actually, it wasn't even the tenth time.

Samantha reached for the bottle and opened the cap. She stared at it. Her body began to shake. She poured a handful of pills in her hand. She stared at them. Silent tears ran down her cheeks. _I don't have to think about it, anymore, _she thought.

_-Flashback-_

_Samantha sat on the couch laughing at the cartoon that had been her babysitter for too long. It was dark outside. The bright moon and stars illuminated Kenosha. Emily was gone; she was at a friend's house. Her mother was passed out in her bedroom…too drunk to breathe. _

_-End Flashback-_

Samantha brought the pills closer and closer to her mouth. She wanted the memory to stop. She wanted the pain to relinquish its tight hold on her.

She could taste the pills. It was as if relief washed over her body.

XxX

Don't worry…it's not all depressing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two**

Martin ran to the elevator. It was 11:32am, and he was late. He pressed the button that indicated the 12th floor. He tapped his foot feeling uneasy all of a sudden. He was worried what Jack might say about his fashionably late appearance. But when he stepped off of the elevator, the bullpen was silent. He spotted Danny sitting quietly at his desk scanning a piece of paper.

"What's going on?" he asked. He had a feeling that whatever it was it wasn't good.

Danny turned to Martin and gave him a smile. He patted Martin on the shoulder a few times. "Nothing Man. You're just in time." He pointed towards the whiteboard. "Miles Jones. He was on his way to work this morning, but he never made it."

Martin's nerves began to calm. Everything was fine. He sat on Danny's desk so that Danny could catch him up on what he missed. "Where is everybody?"

"Vivian and Elena are out in the field. Jack is in his office, and Sam hasn't shown up yet."

Martin's nerves began to rise again with a greater intensity. Suddenly, worry filled his heart. Why hasn't Samantha come in yet? His heart began to race. Something wasn't right. "Has anybody heard from her this morning?"

Danny took a drink of his coffee. "Nope."

Martin raced to Jack's office. He didn't bother knocking on the glass door; he just barged right in. Ignoring Jack's annoyance, Martin said, "Can I go to Sam's house?"

Jack looked at Martin like he was crazy. "Okay," he said. He normally would say no, but he had a feeling that something was wrong.

Martin gave Jack a small smile before running out of the office.

Within twenty minutes, Martin stood outside of Samantha's apartment, rasping on the door, but there was no answer. This did not help ease Martin's nerves. Fear and worry was consuming him. He took out his cell phone and called Samantha's phone. Leaning in closer to the door, Martin could hear the unmistakable sound of Samantha's phone ringing. Samantha always answered her phone. He reached down under the rug for the spare key. With little difficulty, the door unlocked, and it easily slid open.

Martin looked around the room. At first he saw nothing. Then his heart skipped a beat when he saw Samantha lying on the couch unmoving. His eyes immediately spotted an open bottle of Aspirin lying on its side. Alongside it was an empty bottle of wine.

Tears sprang to Martin's eyes as the realization of what Samantha did dawned on him. Why didn't he push her to talk to him? Why didn't he see this coming? He knew that Samantha was hurt, but he had no idea that it was this bad.

Martin reached down and placed two fingers on Samantha's neck, pressing gently. His breathing was hard as his heart pounded. He expected to feel nothing, but there was a pulse. Then he saw the steady rise and fall of Samantha's chest. Relief washed over him like a tidal wave. She was alive!

Then Martin looked down and saw a plethora of pills lying on the ground. Maybe she didn't take any after all. He reached up and began to gently shake Samantha. "Sam," he pleaded. A part of him was still worried. He had to actually see her move and talk.

Samantha opened her eyes. At first she stared around her apartment before finding Martin staring at her. She gave him a confused look. Her confusion escalated when Martin wrapped his arms around her.

Martin sniffled. He was thankful to have Samantha. He didn't know what he would do if she swallowed the pills.

Samantha pulled away from Martin. Her eyes travelled to the pills and empty bottle of wine. She began to stand up but cringed. Her head was spinning as she realized that she had a hangover. She immediately lay back down on the couch, not meeting Martin's gaze. The silence, however, was killing her, so she said, "What time is it?"

"Samantha?" Martin said. Disappointment filled his voice. "What's going on?"

Samantha cringed at the sound of Martin's voice. She knew that she would have to tell him. He practically ran to her side because he thought she had killed herself. Samantha sunk deeper into the couch. She stared off outside to find the sun shining. "I don't know," she lied.

Martin reached up and placed his hand on Samantha's right cheek so that he could divert her gaze from looking outside to looking at him. His voice was soft. "I'm worried about you. Talk to me," he said slowly.

Samantha preferred not to tell the love of her life. She didn't want to worry him. If she did spill her guts, it would put a damper on the mood. "I don't know… I just…everything's falling apart. I can't concentrate. I can't eat or sleep. I just want…. I don't know what's going on with me." She lowered her voice before saying, "I'm scared." This confession was all true, and it was the first time that she had opened up to anybody in a really long time.

Martin's hands rested on Samantha's knees. "Let's start with yesterday in the warehouse." He had been thinking about that a lot since it happened which was the reason he was so nervous this morning. He knew what Samantha was thinking about. It terrified him more than anything.

Samantha looked to the ceiling. She hated him right now. All she wanted was for him to leave her alone. She finally met his gaze. "Do you really want to know?" She worked her tongue into her cheek. She purposely didn't stare at him. His gaze was unbearable.

Martin was almost afraid of what she was going to say. Her voice carried an evil connotation. He just shook his head and swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I was thinking that if he pulled the trigger, then I wouldn't care," she admitted. "Everything would be over." She moved her eyes all around the room but averted Martin's eyes.

Martin just stared at her. She had just confirmed his worst fear. "And what about this?" He waved his hand over the spilled pills and wine bottle.

She looked at them. She hated Martin. Why couldn't he just see the fact that she wanted to be alone? Why was he doing this to her? "I was going to swallow the whole bottle." She paused. "I swallowed some, but I couldn't. I just dropped them," she explained making sure that she wasn't looking at Martin.

Martin's anxiety increased. He couldn't believe that this kind of turmoil rumbled in Samantha's heart. He extended his arms out and pulled Samantha into a hug. "Well…I'm really glad that you didn't," he whispered in her ear. "The world would be nothing without a Samantha Spade.

After letting go of Samantha, Martin said, "What do you think is causing this…change in mood?" He chose his words carefully.

Samantha shrugged. This is the big question. It was the question that turned her into a professional liar. "Stupid, little things."

Martin grabbed Samantha's hand and squeezed it. "They can't be stupid if it's bothering you so much."

Samantha sighed. She placed her eyes on the ceiling. "My mom died," she said without emotion.

Martin felt hurt. Why didn't she tell him? He was in shock. "Is that where you went for a few days? To your mother's funeral?"

Samantha shook her head. Tears began to stream down her face. She didn't know what it was, but she found herself willingly opening up to Martin. "I know that I didn't have a good childhood, but….she's was….I mean… she's my mom. I know it didn't always seem like it, but I loved her."

Martin hated seeing Samantha like this. He knew that she hadn't been acting like herself lately, but he had no idea that this plagued her heart. He had no idea that her heart caused this much stress on her body. No wonder she looked tired and a bit skinny. He had broken up with her a day before she disappeared for a few days. She seemed fine then, even after the breakup, but when she returned, she was different. She was numb to emotion. He vowed that he was going to help her get through this. "I think that you should go see Lisa," Martin said.

Samantha turned to him and authoritatively said, "No."

Martin expected her to say this. It took her awhile to open up to therapy after she got shot. But this time, he was going to press her. He wasn't going to take no for an answer. Last time he did, he found her lying on the couch with a hangover and an entire bottle of pills surrounding her. Her life probably depended on seeing Lisa, but he wanted to be compassionate. "Samantha, Honey, these feelings aren't going to go away by themselves. They're going to get worse. I want you to get help, and I'll be here for you every step of the way." He placed his hand on her cheek and caressed it with his thumb.

Samantha didn't move her face. Instead, she just dropped her eyes. She leaned into Martin's hands, loving his touch on her skin. It was a touch that she thought would never come again. A few tears fell from her eyes. "I'm scared," she whispered.

Martin leaned in once again to hug Samantha. "I know you are. I am too, but we'll get through this together, okay?"

Samantha broke away from Martin's grip and stared at him. "Okay," she said. "But can I just be alone? I'll come in later to see Lisa."

Martin's face contorted in to worry. He didn't want to leave Samantha alone. He had no idea what she would do to herself. "Sam… I don't…think that would be a good…idea," he said.

Samantha hugged herself and cocked her head to the side. More tears escaped her beautiful eyes. "Please?" she pleaded with her eyes.

Martin's heart melted. He reached out for her, but she backed up unwilling to allow Martin to touch her. He wanted to cry when she backed up. Instead, he stood up. "Call me if you need anything, even if it's just to talk." He leaned down so that their eyes were level. "I mean it, Sam. I want to be here for you." He got up and walked to the door, placing a hand on the door knob. "I'll tell Jack that you'll be in later."

As soon as Martin closed the door, tears fell violently from his eyes. He felt helpless. Knowing Samantha's thoughts was disturbing. He felt as if her soul was swimming around in his mind twisting his sense of reality. He look a long look at the door before heading down the hallway. He was extremely worried about her. Any minute, she could take her life. Silent tears fell down his cheeks as he exited the building.

Samantha sat on the couch for awhile, one part grateful for Martin. But the other part was angry at Martin. How could one man make her open up to him? She suddenly wished that she hadn't told Martin. She promised that she wasn't going to open up that much to Martin again. And now, because she told Martin what was going on in her mind, she was going to get the attention she feared having. Her mind finally forwarded to her sessions with Lisa. Anxiety made Samantha shiver. Most likely, she was going to have to tell Lisa something that she hadn't even told her mother or sister. Her stomach felt uneasy. She wasn't sure how talking to Lisa would help. All she wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die. But instead, she turned on the warm water and took a shower.

When Samantha stepped off of the elevator, she was immediately bombarded by Martin.

"How are you feeling?" Martin asked.

Samantha once again retreated in to her body and mind, refusing to allow anybody in. She was nervous, and her stomach fluttered. She wondered if she should tell Martin her sudden fear to go see Lisa. No. He already knew way too much. "Good," she lied. She forced her voice to carry an ounce of happiness.

When Samantha reached the door, she hesitated and looked to Martin who stood a few feet away. He was nervous enough for the both of them. When Martin gave a bright smile and a head shake, Samantha turned in and walked into Lisa's office.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter three**

"Good morning, Samantha," Lisa greeted. "Why don't you take a seat?"

Samantha smiled at Lisa. She was suddenly afraid to step in any farther. She had to force herself to sit on the couch. She sat down and placed her hands in her lap and tensed up.

"What brings you here?" Lisa asked.

Samantha lowered her gaze. "Well I guess… I guess I've been feeling…weird lately," she unwillingly admitted to the second person within only a few hours. She conveniently left out the part of her that was ripping her up.

"Like what?"

Samantha looked up at Lisa. She didn't have the same look that Martin had. She wasn't surprised or worried, and if she was, she didn't show it. She wasn't sure if she wanted to tell Lisa about her direct and indirect way of killing herself. She wouldn't understand. She would just snicker. "I can't do anything anymore without second guessing myself," she trailed off before continuing. "I feel like I have nobody. It's like if I died right now, nobody would care." Samantha jumped as soon as she said it. It had just come out of her mouth without warning.

It was as if Lisa was scolding Samantha. "Samantha," she said slowly, "you know that's not true. What about your family?"

Samantha sighed. "My mom died a week ago. They said that she died instantly: drunk driver."

"How are you dealing with that?"

"Well…I wish she was still here. But to be honest, life isn't much different without my mom."

"How so?"

Samantha peered at Lisa. She felt like she had to cry, but she wasn't going to. "Can we please not talk about this?"

"Of course. What about Martin? He seems like he cares for you."

Samantha stared at her with shock. How did she know about Martin?

Lisa noticed Samantha's reaction and said, "Martin told me that you wanted to see me. He didn't tell me what it was about, though."

Samantha shrugged. She should have known that Martin would do that. "I think he cares about me."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that he broke up with me without any regard towards me or my feelings. Then, he acted like nothing happened."

"What about now? He seems like he cares about you."

Samantha almost began to laugh. Instead, she gave a chuckle. "He's the one who forced me to come see you."

"And how did he find out?"

"I told him."

Lisa almost laughed. "Well I know that you told him, but why did you tell him?"

Samantha peered at her. "He practically broke the door down to come see me."

"Samantha…"

Samantha shrugged. "Because I wanted somebody to know. I'm tired of feeling like this."

"Can you please elaborate on your feelings?"

"I haven't slept in forever." She paused. "Well, actually last night I fell asleep. I think it's because I got drunk and passed out." She laughed.

"What about food?"

"Food doesn't taste good anymore, so I don't eat it," Samantha admitted.

"Is that the only thing that's different about you?"

Samantha touched the tip of her thumb with the rest of her fingers on her right hand, staring at them. "I don't know. I guess…I'd rather just sit on the couch." She paused. "I like staring out the window."

"So, you don't like to do much anymore?"

"Not, really, no," Samantha offered.

"What about your team mates? Do they notice these changes?"

Samantha sighed. "I guess I was always off in a daze, distracted lately…. I'd much rather be alone. I haven't been talking to any of them, either." She paused before meeting Lisa's eyes. "God, now that I think about it, it's blatantly obvious." She paused again. "That's why Martin came to my house this morning. I was late, and he was worried."

"What did you talk about?"

"That's when I told him about how I've been feeling."

"He cares about you. He doesn't want anything bad to happen to you," Lisa explained. "I think that you should let him care about you."

Samantha shrugged. "Maybe."

"What else have you been thinking about?"

Samantha laughed. She was finding Lisa's questions comical.

_-Flashback-_

_Samantha sat on the couch laughing at the cartoon that had been her babysitter for too long. It was dark outside. The bright moon and stars illuminated Kenosha. Emily was gone; she was at a friend's house. Her mother was passed out in her bedroom…too drunk to breathe. _

_She glanced at the clock. It was almost midnight. She liked this. Her mother, or even her sister, wasn't around to tell her to go to bed. She could stay up as late as she wanted especially since it was a school night. _

_She eyed the ice cream that she had helped herself to. It was a heaping spoon full. She brought the spoon to her mouth and tasted the cold treat. _

_-End Flashback-_

"I've been thinking about trying to kill myself." She stared at the ground so that Lisa couldn't see the fear and terror in her eyes that her memory created. She would say anything to divert any attention from her childhood memory.

"Have you?" Lisa raised her eyebrow. She was taken aback by Samantha's confession.

"When Martin came over this morning, he thought I swallowed a bottle of Aspirin, and I almost did. I had them in my hand. I even swallowed a few." She met Lisa's gaze. "Ironic because I think that that's what eased my hangover." She laughed.

"What were you thinking about during that time?"

"How it would end my suffering," Samantha said all too quickly.

"Is that the first time you almost tried?"

"Kind of." Samantha gave a throated laugh. "Earlier that day, a suspect was holding a gun to my head. I was hoping that he would pull the trigger."

Lisa looked over Samantha.

_***_

It had taken Martin a lot of pleading with Samantha. He wanted to know about her session with Lisa. And even if she didn't want to share, he would respect that. He just wanted to be there with her and respect her. He wanted her to know that he cared for her and that he wasn't going anywhere.

The pair sat in a booth at a restaurant in a casino. It was a restaurant that they went to upon Samantha's request.

Samantha sat at the booth. She slowly stirred her straw around in her soda forcing the ice cubes to clink to the side of the glass cup. Her mind seemed to be elsewhere.

"Do you feel better?" Martin asked, staring at her glass.

Samantha shrugged. "I guess."

Martin turned his attention to a little girl who happily ate her chicken nuggets. Martin gave a subtle nod to the child. "Look at how cute she is."

Samantha stopped stirring the soda and looked up at Martin. She was shocked, and she wasn't shy about showing it. "You're not going to ask me what happened?"

Martin sighed. He reached across the table and latched his hand onto Samantha's and squeezed. "It depends. Do you want to tell me?"

Samantha wasn't sure what to say. She did want to tell him, but then again, she didn't. And she had to admit, Lisa did help her. She felt better. It was true that she still felt alone and depressed. Samantha sighed. "Apparently, I have dysthymia."

Martin was puzzled. "What's that?"

"It's a mild form of depression. The only treatment is diet, exercise, and therapy."

Martin smiled. "You going on a diet and exercise? You'll be nonexistent. You already have a good shape."

Samantha blushed. She could feel it. "Apparently fatty and sugary foods cause something and create a bad mood or something like that. Diet helps ease that." She shrugged. "I wasn't really listening to Lisa."

"I thought the purpose of going to therapy was to listen to the therapist?" Martin laughed. When Samantha only gave a small smile, he continued, "So, you okay?"

Samantha smiled. "I'll get back to you on that one."

Martin smiled. He knew that Samantha had a long way to go, but she still seemed better if only a little bit.

Samantha was happy, or it's what she was trying to convince herself. She wanted to jump up and down, but she couldn't. She didn't have the energy for it. All she could think about was that fact that she didn't have to work tomorrow. It was her day off. Maybe she could sleep tonight. She doubted it.

The steaming hot plate of steak was placed in front of Samantha. Samantha stared at it not really wanting to eat it, but she picked up a fork and knife.

"If you're on a diet, then I'm my father," Martin observed, trying to make Samantha smile.

Samantha gave him a fake smile. "In order for me to go on a diet, I actually have to be willing to eat."

Martin's face fell. That wasn't funny.

Samantha tried to eat. She truly did. She took a few bites before refusing her plate. She tried to be happy. She laughed when Martin said something that was supposed to be funny. Under any other circumstances it would be funny but not tonight: not lately.

Later that night, the pair stood outside the casino trying to catch a cab.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" Martin asked.

Samantha turned to Martin. She didn't want to go out tomorrow. She just wanted to spend the day alone like she had wanted all along. "Nothing, I'm just planning on staying at home, maybe clean or something."

Martin laughed. "You're going to clean? You must sick."

Samantha smiled.

"Is it okay if I drop by and see how you're doing?"

_Well at least I'll be at home, _Samantha thought.

Samantha wanted nothing more than to lash out at Martin. All she wanted was to be left alone. Didn't he understand that? But at the same time, she was grateful for him. Maybe she did have somebody that would care if she died right now. And then, Lisa's words echoed in her brain: She wanted her to let Martin care for her. She gave a fake smile. "Sure."

Just then, a cab pulled up.

Martin motioned for Samantha to take the cab.

Samantha graciously accepted Martin's offer and made her way to the cab. Before escaping into the cab, she said, "See you tomorrow."

"See ya."

_***_

_Please Review._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter four**

Samantha awoke to the sun streaming down on her face. She looked to the clock. It was only a little before six. She had finally managed to cry herself to sleep only a few hours ago. She knew that trying to go back to sleep was a momentous action, so she silently slipped out of bed. With no purpose, she walked to the living room. She found the half empty bottle of pills lying on its side in the same position. Pills littered the floor making it impossible for her to walk without stepping on any. The wine bottle sat upright next to the bottle. She just stared intently at them, unblinking. Her breath became heavy as her heart rate increased. Tears once again rolled down her cheeks.

"Snap out of it, Samantha," she told herself. She walked to the kitchen and reached for some coffee. Eventually, she found herself sitting on her couch, sipping her coffee and flicking through channels.

After about an hour of flipping through channels, she found herself in the shower. She settled on just standing in the shower and allowing the hot water to bounce off of her skin.

Once again, she found herself in a reverie. She closed her eyes and let her mind's eye take its course. She ended up thinking about a happy time when she was with her mother as a young child. It made her smile. She loved this place. She wished this surreal place was actually reality.

After a while, Samantha got out and dried herself off. She dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. When she reached the living room, she bent down and picked up each pill by hand. She threw them in the trash vowing to never take another Aspirin again. But she had to admit that she recognized the longing and yearning to swallow them.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. She looked at the clock. It was almost eleven. Looks like Martin had ventured to her apartment earlier than she thought. She opened the door and found Martin standing in the hallway. She stepped aside and allowed him to enter.

Martin looked around. For some reason the apartment looked a bit more personal and happy since yesterday. "So how are you feeling?"

Samantha gave a small laugh. She didn't think that she would hear that question so many times from Martin. "I'll let you know when I find out. Why don't you take a seat?"

Martin walked to the couch and sat down. He stared at Samantha as she clanked around in the kitchen.

"Do you want anything? Coffee? Water?" Samantha asked.

"Coffee," Martin stated. "So when's your next appointment with Lisa?"

Samantha poured the coffee in a mug. "Tuesday at nine."

Martin just nodded his head as Samantha walked up to her. Her arm was extended. Martin took the mug and sighed. He didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to act. He was beginning to think that this was something that only Samantha could help herself with. He stared at her in silence as she looked outside the window. He noticed that she liked to look outside the window a lot. "What are you thinking about?" he asked gently.

Samantha slowly tore her gaze away from the bird that sat perched on the tree outside. She pointed to it. "You know that the female bird is the one that carries the X and Y chromosome, not the male?"

"No," Martin nodded wondering where she was going.

"My mom told me that."

Martin didn't say anything hoping that she would continue.

"When I was younger, my mom and I went hiking to count how many different species of bird we would find." Samantha diverted her gaze to the coffee table. "We counted 53 different birds in only one day."

Martin smiled at Samantha's memory. "Sounds like you had fun," he smiled.

"Yeah," she said in a small voice. "It was one of the few times that I remember my mom as being happy and sober."

Martin smiled. He loved that she was sharing these things with him. "Where was Emily?"

"I don't remember. I only remember that Mom got pissed that night. She was screaming and yelling. She was really angry. I've never seen her like that before."

Martin frowned. It seemed like every good memory of Samantha's was followed by a negative memory.

She looked at Martin before she digressed. "What have you been up to?"

Martin sighed. "Nothing, just boring stuff. Pretty much like what you've been doing."

Samantha smiled and leaned in. "Except without the suicidal thoughts," she laughed. _And the haunting memory. _

Martin couldn't help but laugh. She knew how to turn a bad situation into a good one. Maybe she learned it from her childhood. He enjoyed seeing Samantha like this. This was her personality shining through. It was something that had been hibernating for quite some time. "Yeah," he agreed, "minus that."

"Do you want anything else?" Samantha asked glancing at Martin's empty cup.

"No."

Samantha shook her head. "Thanks…you know for listening to me and not running away."

Martin smiled. He reached down and grabbed her hand, squeezing it. "Anything for you," he said. He watched as a smile appeared on her face. She was so beautiful.

Samantha glanced at her hand in Martin's. She loved the feeling. She loved him being so close to her. She was suddenly afraid of being this close to him. She looked him in the eyes before getting up. She grabbed Martin's empty coffee cup and headed towards the kitchen. She placed the cup in the sink before resting her hands on either side of the sink. She put her weight on her arms. She stared into the sink.

Martin came alongside Samantha and placed a gentle hand on her back before rubbing it. "What's wrong?"

Samantha sighed and turned towards him. "Nothing, I'm fine." She quickly digressed, again. "Do you want to play a bored game for something? I mean, I know that it's not much, but at least we have something to do."

Martin didn't know what to say or do, once again. Samantha was hurting, and all he wanted to do was ease her pain. "Sure." He watched her disappear into her room. She emerged with Sorry.

Samantha's face was sympathetic. "Sorry," she said. "All I have is….well Sorry."

Martin smiled. "Nah, that's alright. I love this game."

They sat at the kitchen table for awhile playing Sorry. They laughed and smiled the whole way through. They had managed to keep off the topic of anything to do with Samantha which was fine by her. Everything still lingered in her mind, but when she was with Martin, it just faded.

"I should go; it's getting late," Martin said.

Samantha watched as Martin got up and grabbed his coat off of the couch. He walked back to her and leaned in. He surprised Samantha when he placed his hand on the back of her head. He met his lips with her forehead. He gently caressed the back of her head before turning to the door. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Yeah," Samantha said. She watched him stalk towards the door. "Martin?" she whispered eying the bottle of Aspirin.

Martin turned around. "Hmm?"

Samantha's face fell. "Umm…I'm not going to try anything, but could you take the bottle with you?"

Martin smiled when he followed her gaze. He walked over to the kitchen counter and grabbed the bottle. "If you want to talk tonight, then I want you to call me."

Samantha nodded before she watched Martin exit.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter five**

"It felt like the world ended when my sister called me," Samantha explained. She sat in front of Lisa.

"Samantha, I know that you loved your mom. I want to know exactly how you feel about your mom's death. What did you think? How did you react?" Lisa explained.

Samantha stood up and began pacing the small room. How was she supposed to tell Lisa how she felt about her mother's death if she had no idea herself? "Well…when Emily called me, I started crying…a lot." She continued to pace the room.

"That's good. Crying is a good reaction to sadness," Lisa said. She watched Samantha with her eyes.

Samantha smiled and finally sat back on the couch. She stared at Lisa waiting for her to continue. She didn't feel like being here right now. She wanted to be at home where nobody could watch her or glance at her with concern.

"What about your relationship with your sister?"

Samantha gave a slight laugh. "What relationship? You mean the one where we don't talk to each other or the one that we ignore each other?"

"Why don't you talk to her? She's your sister. You should have some sort of connection."

Samantha lowered her eyes and stared at the ground. "We used to," she said in a low voice.

"What did you two use to do?"

"We would always talk about girl things. Sometimes she would let me wear her make-up," Samantha was practically beaming at her childhood memories.

Samantha's smile made Lisa smile. "It sounds like you had a lot of fun."

Samantha's smile disappeared. "That all changed when she ran away. When she came back, she was different, maybe a little cold too."

"Well…Samantha, you know that you can still have that. It's not too late," Lisa reassured her.

Samantha began to hug herself. She stared blankly at the ground. Her body told her to cry, but her brain told her otherwise. "No, it's too late. She's married now; she's happy."

"What makes you think that she won't be happy to see you?"

"At the funeral…she seemed preoccupied. It was as if she was uninterested in me," Samantha said. She looked up a Lisa, but there was no emotion in her words anymore.

Lisa shifted in her seat. "Maybe it had something to do with your mother's death."

Samantha shrugged. "It's possible, but I don't think so."

"Why not? Isn't that what you said about Martin?"

Samantha shrugged again. "That's different. Martin's here. He knows me and what I'm going through. He's _here_ for me."

Lisa gave Samantha a smile. "You won't know if you never call her."

Samantha didn't say anything. She just blankly stared at the wall behind Lisa.

"I think that you should try and call your sister. It sounds like you really miss her."

Finally Samantha smiled, but it was weak and lasted for two seconds. "I do."

That night, Samantha sat at her dining table eyeballing the telephone. She wanted to call Emily, but she wasn't sure if she should. She would pick up the phone and dial most of Emily's number. Then she would get scared and hang it up.

Suddenly, the phone rang which made Samantha jump out of her seat. She immediately grabbed it. "Emily?"

"Ahh…no. Martin."

"Oh," Samantha said almost disappointed.

"Don't sound so happy to hear from me," Martin said. It came across as joking to Samantha, but he was really kind of hurt.

Samantha sighed. "No, I am. I just thought that you might have been Emily."

"Well," Martin said, "I'm not doing anything, and by the sound of it, it doesn't seem like you're doing anything. Do you want to do nothing together?"

Samantha laughed. "Sure. What do you have in mind?"

"I haven't thought that far yet," Martin admitted.

Samantha laughed. "Okay, how about we go out for a jog. I'm supposed to be exercising."

Martin was hesitant, but he didn't disagree. It was cold outside, and the sun had fallen about an hour ago. "Where do you want to meet?"

Samantha thought for a second. "Here," she giggled.

"Sounds good," Martin said.

Then Samantha heard a knock on the door. She peered at it first before slowly making her way to the door. "Hang on. There's somebody at my door." When she opened the door, she saw Martin standing in the hallway trying not to laugh. But when he saw the look of surprise on her face, he began to laugh.

Samantha turned around and playfully slapped him in the arm. "I have to get my jacket."

Martin rubbed his shoulder pretending that Samantha hit him hard. He also looked at her as if he was hurt emotionally. He waited a few minutes for Samantha to gather her things before the pair took off.

The air was cold with a slight zephyr in Central Park. But after awhile of running, the pair was warm. At first they jogged in silence with nothing pressing to talk about. It wasn't an awkward or tense silence; it was comfortable.

"Lisa wants me to talk to Emily."

"Are you going to?"

Samantha shrugged. "I don't know. I want to, but I don't think that I can."

Martin began to breathe harder. "I think you should, too. It would be good for you," he panted. He paused before admitting, "I'm beat."

Samantha laughed. "Martin Fitzgerald is tired. Who'd a thought?"

Martin turned to Samantha and reached around her waist, tickling it violently. "What did you say to me?"

Samantha began to squirm and laugh as she desperately tried to confine Martin's hands. "I didn't say anything," she laughed trying to catch her breath. But after awhile, Samantha couldn't breathe. "Okay, Okay," she bellowed. "I'm sorry."

Martin immediately stopped. He just stared at her. He could practically see her retreat into herself as her smile turned into an unrealistically emotionless face.

Samantha turned to Martin. He was staring at her again. She couldn't stand it, so she fixed her gaze on the night's sky. The moon was bright. It reminded her of the moon in Kenosha when she was a young girl on that fateful night, except in Kenosha she could see the stars. She wanted to crawl in a whole and die somewhere. At this point, she was willing to do anything to rid herself of the nasty memory.

She wanted to go back and see her mother. But her mother was dead, and she will never get to see her again. That thought terrified her. Her mother was the only person that actually took care of her even if it wasn't a very good job. And now, finally now, she realized that there was nobody left in the world to take care of her, not like her mother did. Her mother would have never of known it, but she helped Samantha on that spring night.

Suddenly, Samantha felt hopeless. There was nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy about. Her day reiterated over and over again. There was no change. She got up, went to work, found missing people, came home, went to sleep, and did it all over again. All she did was think about that night. She felt uncomfortable. She didn't want to be here. She wanted to be alone.

"Sam, what's wrong?" Martin asked, stepping close to her so that their chests were brushing each other.

Samantha didn't try to move away. Instead, she stared up at him. A single tear caught the moonlight as it trailed down her face. The tear caught on her lips.

Martin reached up and placed his hand on her chin. His thumb reached down and gently wiped the tear away. His thumb lingered, however, and caressed her lips.

Samantha just watched Martin's eyes. They were so beautiful. They were bright and gentle.

Martin began to slowly lean down, removing his thumb. At first, he brushed Samantha's lips with his own to test Samantha's reaction. He had had a taste of Samantha's lips. It was something that he longed for.

Samantha practically begged for more once Martin pulled away. She latched her hand on the back of his neck and forced his face down.

When their lips met, it was gentle at first as if they were testing the waters. Then the kiss increased in intensity. It was passionate and full of emotion: emotion that had been bottled up for months. Their tongues wrestled each other's. Martin reached down and grasped his hands around Samantha's waist pulling her closer to him.

Only after it became impossible for them to breathe did they pull apart.

Martin stared at Samantha unsure of what her reaction would be. It was true that they both wanted it, but he was afraid of what Samantha might do. But what she did surprised him.

Samantha wrapped her arms around him and nestled her head in the crock of his neck as silent tears poured from her eyes. She didn't know why she was crying. Maybe it was because she wanted to kiss Martin. Maybe it was because of the way she felt about life. Maybe it was because she wanted somebody to hold her. She didn't know.

Martin held onto her for awhile unwilling to allow anything to hurt her, but the zephyr was becoming a raging storm. Without letting go of Samantha, he navigated their way to Samantha's house. He held her close as she cried.

When Martin got Samantha home, she didn't bother changing her clothes. She just got under the covers and curled up in a ball. When Martin knew that Samantha was safe, he kissed her temple and began to walk out. "See you tomorrow," he whispered.

But Samantha grabbed his wrist preventing his departure. "No," she said without opening her eyes. "Stay with me until I fall asleep…please."

Martin almost melted. She looked so peaceful, but he knew that her body was betraying her mind. Without reservation, Martin climbed in bed with Samantha. He got underneath the covers and wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her close to him. He caressed her head a few times before resting his head on top of hers. Long after she fell asleep, he did too.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter six**

Samantha loved the unfamiliar sensation of somebody holding her. Although the sensation was new, the person wasn't, but she didn't care. She would love to wake up to Martin holding her every morning.

Then she remembered last night's events. She had had a breakdown in front of Martin. God, she was embarrassed, but he didn't run away. Instead, she woke up next to him. She didn't know what that meant.

She carefully turned in his arms to face Martin as to not disturb him. She wrapped her arms around him so that they were hugging each other. She allowed herself to sink into his embrace as she watched the steady rise and fall of his chest. She once again buried her face in his neck taking in his scent. She closed her eyes as she concentrated on the feeling of Martin's body next to hers. It was wonderful. She hadn't realized how much she missed it until now.

Suddenly, she felt Martin's body shift. Her nerves got the better of her as her stomach began to flutter. She felt his eyes boring into her skin, so she peered at him.

The corners of his mouth curled up exposing his teeth. "Morning," he said cheerfully stretching out. He propped himself on his elbow so that he could peer down at Samantha without trouble.

Samantha smiled back at him. "Thanks," she said.

Martin leaned down and kissed her on the lips. "I couldn't just walk away," he whispered.

Samantha rolled over and looked at the clock. She turned towards Martin. "We should go. We're going to be late," she said working her way out of bed.

But Martin wrapped his arm around her waist pulling her back down next to him. Before Samantha could protest, he said, "We should talk about us."

Samantha was nervous all over again. She knew it would have to come, but she didn't want it to be this soon. "Okay," she agreed.

Martin didn't say anything for a few beats. "What do you want?" he asked. He rolled over so that he could look her in the eyes. "I don't want to rush you into anything, especially when you're trying to figure things out."

Samantha sat up cross-legged. She placed her hands in her lap and sighed. "You've been great, and I don't know how I would've gotten through this without you."

Martin sat up and clasped his hands around Samantha's waist. He gently placed her in his lap and kissed her temple. "But?"

Samantha sighed and looked to her jeans. "There is no but. I want to be with you. I have to be honest. I don't know how this could go with me right now. You'll have to be willing to give me time."

Martin tightened his grip around Samantha. "I will do whatever it takes to be with you."

Samantha smiled and leaned her head against Martin's shoulder. "So…does this mean we're back together?"

Martin began to tickle Samantha's stomach; it was something that he enjoyed doing. It always got her going. As she squirmed, he said, "Whether you like it or not."

Samantha rolled off of Martin's lap and onto her back, trying to avoid Martin's roaming hands.

Martin sat on top of Samantha's waist and continued to tickle her sides.

Samantha laughed so hard that her abdominal muscles were hurting. "Stop it! Stop it!" she managed to spit out in between laughter.

Suddenly, Martin stopped. He leaned down and kissed her passionately, loving the feeling of her lips on his own. When Martin pulled apart, he said, "You know that we can't hide our relationship this time?"

Samantha sighed. "Yeah…I know," she said. She placed her hand on the back of Martin's head and brought his lips to her own.

They tasted each other's mouths for a few minutes before Martin pulled apart. "As much as I'd love to make out with you, we're going to be late."

Samantha smiled and crawled out from underneath him. "We're already going to be late."

Martin smiled back also crawling out of bed. "You're right. But we won't be later. I'm going to go home and get some clothes, okay?" He walked up to her and kissed her goodbye. "See you soon."

Samantha watched as Martin exited the room. She walked in the bathroom and turned the shower on. She couldn't help but beam over her and Martin's new relationship. But there were all of these unknown feelings that mixed around with it. She hated it. She hated that no matter what she was still depressed. She had to admit that Martin did help a lot.

Within an hour, Samantha found herself stepping into the bullpen. Martin was nowhere to be seen. She walked over to her desk and placed her things down on her desk. She had only an hour before her appointment with Lisa. Samantha was feeling as though therapy wasn't really working. Lisa just made her think about things that she had long since buried. If that was supposed to happen, then she was right on track.

She sat down at her desk ready to start paperwork. She felt two hands grab her shoulders and massage. Samantha almost sunk into her seat. "Hi," she said glancing nervously around the office to see if anybody had noticed. She noticed Danny and Elena sitting at the conference table.

Martin went around and sat on her desk. "When's your appointment?"

Samantha got up and kissed Martin on the lips shocking Martin. "In less than an hour."

Martin thought that she would have a hard time displaying affection in public, but she appeared to have no problem. "You wanna have lunch today?"

"Of course I'm going to eat," she said. She had been eating more lately and sleeping better. Maybe therapy was helping.

Martin laughed. "Okay do you want to have lunch _with me_?"

Samantha stood up and grabbed his hands. She gave him a quick peck on the lips. "Sounds fine. I'm going to go to Lisa a bit earlier. Maybe I can get out earlier." She walked to Lisa's office and knocked on the door.

Lisa's head popped up. "Samantha…I didn't expect you until ten."

"Can I come in?" Samantha asked.

Lisa motioned for her to come in.

Samantha walked in and sat on the couch. She didn't say anything.

Lisa stared at her before saying, "What can I do for you?"

Samantha looked at her. "I was just wondering if I made some progress."

Lisa dropped her pen and sighed. "What do you think?"

"I don't know. I think sometimes yes when I'm happy, but then I think that it's not possible. I have no idea."

Lisa smiled. "You are definitely making progress. You've been dieting and exercising, right?" When Samantha shook her head, she continued. "You aren't demonstrating suicidal tendencies. You are eating and sleeping. And I notice that you are smiling more. That and other factors."

Samantha sighed in contentment. "I haven't called Emily yet. I got sidetracked."

"Well, why didn't you call her earlier?"

"I was petrified, still am actually."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just am." Samantha knew why. Before it was just a memory and calling Emily would make it reality. "I had a breakdown in front of Martin." She paused for a moment. "It actually led us to getting back together."

"What was the breakdown about?"

"I was afraid that you were going to ask me that." She paused. "I realized that now that my mother is dead, there is nobody to take care of me." It was the truth, but it wasn't the full truth. It wasn't even half of the truth.

"What about Martin? Are you happy to be with him again?"

Samantha laughed. "That's an understatement. I'm ecstatic. I love being with him. He makes me happy."

Lisa laughed at Samantha's apparent beaming. "It's good that you allowed Martin back into your life. Now, you have to allow Emily into your life."

"I have to admit that I'm not really happy about calling Emily. I actually sat awake for awhile last night." She paused to laugh. "Martin didn't know. Why do you want me to call Emily so badly?"

Lisa seemed surprised by what Samantha said. Ignoring Samantha's question, Lisa said, "You were with Martin last night?"

"Yeah," she looked to the ground. "After my breakdown, he walked me home. He was going to leave, but I stopped him. I asked him to stay with me until I fell asleep. I guess he fell asleep too. But he didn't know that I was awake most of the night."

"Samantha?" Lisa asked. "You're not telling Martin what you're thinking. I don't think that you're telling me what you're thinking."

Samantha didn't move. She didn't blink. She just stared at the ground.

"Samantha?"

Samantha didn't want to acknowledge Lisa. She wanted to run. She hated Lisa. Why could she read her like a book? She wondered if it everybody could read her like a book or if it was just because Lisa was a trained professional. Whatever the reason she hated it.

"Samantha," Lisa said more forcefully.

Samantha moved slightly letting Lisa know that she wasn't ignoring her but, also, letting her know that she wasn't interested in her comment.

"Am I right?"

Samantha raised her eyebrow and gave Lisa a solemn look. "I just…sometimes I wonder if…. I wonder about my childhood…and…how might it of been different if my mother wasn't my mother."

Lisa raised her head to let Samantha know she was listening. "And what brought about this sudden inquiry?"

Samantha stared out the window. It really wasn't a sudden inquiry: It was just hidden. She began to count the number of windows that lined the perimeter of a nearby skyscraper. _One…two…three…_

"Agent Spade," Lisa said getting a bit agitated but refusing to show it.

_Four…five…six…seven…eight…_

Lisa began to bit her tongue. She shifted in her seat. "Okay," she said in a gentle voice, "how about we continue tomorrow?"

Samantha stood up with tears gleaming in her eyes.

"But I want you to be able to talk to me."

Samantha knew what she wanted to know. She wasn't sure if she wanted Lisa to know. It had been lingering in her consciousness for years. She had repressed it. She had repressed it, and her mother's death caused her to relive it in a continuous loop. She didn't know why her mother dying caused a buried memory to boil to the surface, but it did. She hated her mother. She hated everybody.

She briskly walked out of Lisa's office. Her head was down and her hand was covering her face as to not alert everybody of her tears. She tried to stop crying, but crying was a natural reaction to her pain. It seemed like her breakdown with Martin was only a ripple. The tidal wave was coming. She quickly but subtly made her way to the bathroom.

Samantha practically ripped the door off of the hinges as she entered the bathroom. She walked to the sink and stared at herself. She was revolted by what she saw: herself.

_-Flashback-_

_Samantha sat on the couch laughing at the cartoon that had been her babysitter for too long. It was dark outside. The bright moon and stars illuminated Kenosha. Emily was gone; she was at a friend's house. Her mother was passed out in her bedroom…too drunk to breathe. _

_She glanced at the clock. It was almost midnight. She liked this. Her mother, or even her sister, wasn't around to tell her to go to bed. She could stay up as late as she wanted especially since it was a school night. _

_She eyed the ice cream that she had helped herself to. It was a heaping spoon full. She brought the spoon to her mouth and tasted the cold treat. _

_Samantha heard a rattling sound. She whipped her head around to scan the darkened room. She couldn't find anything. All she saw was the shadows bouncing off of the walls and furniture that the light from the TV created. She turned back around and focused her attention on the cartoon. Then she heard the same rattling sound. Samantha's tiny heart began to race as she scanned the room again. _

_There was a shadow. It was a shadow of a man. _

_Samantha jumped off of the couch and ran to her mother's side. "Mommy," her tiny voice whined. It was full of terror. When her mother didn't flinch, Samantha began to shake her. At first she shook her gently and then harder. "Mommy," she begged._

_She heard him. He was slowly stalking down the hallway. She turned to the door. The dark, muscular figure stood in the doorframe. _

_-End Flashback-_

Anger arose in Samantha's heart. Her breathing became heavier as her teeth grinded together. She growled as she hurled her fist into her reflection. A piece broke off of the mirror landing on the counter and shattering in different pieces but not before cutting Samantha's hand.

Samantha was surprised by her strength. She couldn't believe that she did that. She had so much bottled up emotion. She stared at her hand as blood trickled from her minor cut. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to create a small stream running down her hand. She stopped crying as she concentrated on the blood. Then just as quickly as the tears stopped, they started again. She backed up into a corner of the bathroom wall and slid down. She rested in a heap on the floor. She cried silently. She fixed her gaze on one of the bathroom stalls. There her gaze stayed, unblinking.

Samantha didn't notice Martin coming in the bathroom. His face contorted into pure horror. Samantha was huddled in a ball in the far corner of the bathroom. Blood trickled down her hand. A small chunk of the mirror rested in pieces atop the counter. He ran to her side, bending down. Tears filled his eyeballs but refused to fall. He scooped her up in his arms, holding her tight. He didn't say anything.

Without a word, Samantha clung onto Martin as if he was her life boat in an angry sea.

_***_

_Sorry if there's any typos or mistakes._


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter seven**

Jack had allowed Martin to take Samantha home early.

Samantha lay in bed with Martin's arms around her. He gently rubbed his hand up and down her arm, tickling her slightly. He softly kissed her head trying to lull her to sleep.

Samantha refused to talk about anything related to her spell. She hardly said a word to him. It actually hurt him a little, but it wasn't about him. It was about her.

She had immediately stopped crying the moment Martin wrapped his arms around her. Her face was blank and flat, unable to smile or frown. She told him that she had to go back and see Lisa again tomorrow. Not only did she look like hell, but she felt like her body was caving in on its self. Martin was determined to get Samantha to fall asleep which is why he laid by her side for hours in silence. Even after she fell asleep, Martin lingered unable to do anything but hold her.

Martin had finally lulled Samantha to sleep before he fell asleep himself. He woke up a few times because Samantha stirred slightly in her sleep. He wasn't sure if she was actually sleeping, but at least she was resting. When the sun was high in the sky, Martin awoke to find the bed empty. Coffee filled his nostrils. He happily got up and stretched before finally making his way to the kitchen. He caught Samantha sitting at the dining table with her nose buried in her coffee cup. A tiny Band-Aid stuck to her right hand.

Samantha heard Martin slowly making his way to her. She closed her eyes unwilling to confront him just yet. She felt a warm hand land on her back. She raised her head and gave Martin a weak smile.

"How'd you sleep?" he asked making his way to the coffee.

"I slept for a few hours," she admitted with a shrug.

Martin smiled as he poured himself a cup of coffee. He sat beside Samantha at the table. "I had a feeling that you weren't sleeping. Care to talk about it?"

Samantha smiled and rose from her seat. She kissed the top of Martin's head before looking him in the eyes. "I promise that I will tell you. I just need more time."

Martin smiled gracious that she wanted to open up to him. She just didn't know how.

"I'm going to go take a shower. Then I'm going to go see Lisa…. I've been up all night trying to figure out the best way to tell her. I still haven't found a way."

Martin watched Samantha disappear into the bathroom. He smiled to himself before turning his attention on his coffee.

Samantha and Martin walked into work together with their fingers intertwined. Martin kissed Samantha before she entered Lisa's office.

"Just in time," Lisa said.

Samantha didn't try to portray herself as being happy. She sat on the couch in her usual spot and stared at Lisa.

"I heard that had a breakdown yesterday after our session."

"Yeah."

"That's good. You were getting all of your anger out."

Samantha didn't say anything, neither did Lisa. Samantha knew what Lisa wanted her to say, and Lisa knew that Samantha knew what she wanted her to say.

Samantha just stared out the window again. "I guess you want me to tell you my secret?" she asked.

Lisa just shook her head. "Take your time."

Samantha took a deep breath before she began. "When I was nine years old, I was sitting on the couch in the living room……"

**XxX**

Samantha walked out of Lisa's office. Her tear strained face caught the attention of everybody, but she didn't care because she also wore a smile. She was happy to have shared it with somebody. She was planning on telling Martin that night, too. And that was the first thing that she said to him when she left Lisa's office.

The day went on without a glitch. They had found a missing child who decided to wonder off after spotting a stray dog.

Samantha had gone over to Martin's house after work. They were lounging on the couch watching TV. Martin was patiently waiting for Samantha to tell her story. Popcorn and soda littered the coffee table. They watched TV without saying a word to each other.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you first. I just….couldn't," Samantha admitted.

Martin wrapped his arm around Samantha's shoulder and brought her close. "It's okay. Whatever makes you feel comfortable."

She hugged Martin for a little while. She fixed herself so that she faced Martin. She swallowed hard. "When I was nine years old, I was sitting on the couch in the living room. I was watching my favorite cartoon. Emily was at a friend's house, and my mother was so drunk that she couldn't even stand straight." Samantha paused to once again stare out the window. "She was always drunk. Emily and I practically raised ourselves…. I don't know why I miss my mother so much; she was never sober enough to realize she had kids." Samantha paused to allow the tears to run the same path down her cheek.

Martin reached out and rubbed soft circles over her back. "It's okay," he soothed. "You don't have to tell me."

Samantha reached out and grabbed Martin's hand. "I want to." After taking another deep breath, she continued her story. She looked down at Martin's hand in hers. "I heard a noise, and I got scared. I ran to my mother, and I tried to wake her. She didn't even twitch…. There was a man….. He was tall and muscular…. He grabbed me." She paused to get rid of the lump in her throat. "He…he took me down to the basement. He….mo….molested me." Samantha sniffled. "I don't know how long it was, but he heard my mom clanking around, and he got scared, so he ran. He hit me a few times, but I was able to hide the bruises."

Samantha's tear strained face matched Martin's. He grabbed her with both hands and hugged her.

"I will never forget his face or the way he smelled. Lisa said that I repressed the memory and going back home and seeing the house made it all come back."

"I had no idea. I'm so sorry," Martin cooed.

"There's more," Samantha admitted averting Martin's eyes. "A few years later, I caught him raping Emily in a cabin. I waited for him outside. When he came out, I beat him with a shovel. Emily and I buried him." She began to pick at her cubicles. "I didn't tell Lisa that."

More tears escaped Martin's eyes as he pulled Samantha tighter to him. "I'm glad that you told me."

Samantha smiled. "Me too. I probably wouldn't have told you if we aren't going out," she said as she pulled away from him to smile at him. When Martin smiled back, Samantha got up and walked to the kitchen.

"Are you okay?" Martin asked in a tender voice.

Samantha looked up at him and smiled. "I will be. Do you have any food?"

Marin laughed and joined Samantha in the kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and peered inside. "What do you want?"

Samantha leaned against the counter and stared at Martin. "I don't know, just…something."

She kept her gaze on Martin but avoided his eyes.

Martin closed the refrigerator and stuffed his hands in his pockets. "What do we….what do _you _do now?"

Samantha sighed. "I guess I have to continue seeing Lisa. I don't really want to. Apparently, I have way more stuff going on than I had originally thought," she said circling her hand around her face for emphasis. She looked at Martin. "But it's going to take awhile for me to get better, and I need to know if you're willing to help me through it."

Martin smiled and immediately bombarded Samantha's petite body with his arms. "I'm going to stick with you as long as it takes," he said sincerely. Then he pulled apart from her and bumped her hips with his. "Whether you like it or not."

Samantha smiled brightly before turning around and hugging him. "Thank you." She leaned in and kissed him hard on the lips. She knew that with Martin by her side it would all be okay.

The End


End file.
